"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
--Ellen DeGeneres

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
--A. Whitney Brown

"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
--Michael McShane

"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player."
--Marsha Warfield

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
--Sue Murphy

"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there."
--Ron Richards

"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else."
--Lily Tomlin

"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
--Yakov Smirnoff

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
--Bill Maher

"A women broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
--Christopher Case

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman

"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."
--Jay Leno

"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"
--Larry Miller

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
--Dick Cavett

"I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
--Garry Shandling

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
--Marilyn Pittman

"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
--Lily Tomlin

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' "
--Richard Jeni

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." --Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex--no matter what she's reading." --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it, so I said "Thyroid problem?'" --Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." --Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush, former US First Lady

"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." --Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'"
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor staving kids all over the world, l can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
-- Mariah Carey

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

I've never had knee surgery on any other part of my body.
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
-- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
-- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
-- Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

It's like deja vu all over again.
-- Yogi Berra

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
-- A congressional candidate in Texas

It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody.
-- Richard M. Nixon

The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.
-- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
-- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.
-- John Wayne

Half this game is ninety percent mental.
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
-- General William Westmoreland

If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.
-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin